Inside the mind of a stranger

It’s like drowning and watching everyone around you breathe just fine. It’s like being stuck in a glass box and seeing everyone around you move freely. But no one sees you can’t breathe and knows how trapped you are.

Nothing is easy and you feel all alone. Fighting demons is hard when you have no weapon, no will, nothing.

You can smile and laugh and have fun but you know it’s only skin deep. And you don’t want to say anything because there are people who have it so much worse.

And honestly, you’ve let people in before and all they’ve done is make it hurt even more. The people breathing in the depths and free from the invisible confines don’t understand because they don’t know. They don’t understand that getting close just to leave isn’t just part of the world. It is a failure. It is a direct hit to your self-image.

And yes, it’s going to happen no matter what and sometimes it’s ok. But it’s the people you let get close to you that make you feel this way. The people you trust and the people you tell your thoughts to.

So you learn to keep quiet. You learn to live without the air and within the confines of your invisible prison.

Music and memories

The moment when you hear a song and all these memories that you would rather not think about come flooding to the front of your mind.

You are transported back to that very first day. Back to where it all began. You swear you can make out every detail of the room from where you were sitting to what his smile looked like when he was looking at you.

You remember the exact moment you knew that you could fall in love with this guy and you find yourself wanting to go back. Wanting to do it all over again so that maybe you could do something different and that love would stay.

You remember every happy memory, every laugh, every hug, every kiss, every word. And you want it back.

But then you come back to reality and you have to remember every broken promise, every tear you shed, every hurtful word, every night you wanted it all to end. And then in the end…every baby appointment he didn’t show up to, every time he proved he didn’t care…everything.

And you wonder why you let yourself miss him. Why you let yourself romanticize the past when it was anything but perfect. You realize that no matter how happy it was in the beginning, you do not want to go back and do it again because he isn’t worth the pain. He isn’t worth anything.

A letter to my daughter

Hey Miss Emma.

Right now I’m six months pregnant with you and I just wanted to write you this letter to let you know a little about me and our situation.

First, I just want to say that I love you so much. You are one of the only things in my life that is giving me the hope to go on. I’m 20 years old and I’m going to be a single mom. I was with your father for four months and I honestly thought he was my soul mate.

I had wanted a baby for a while and after I met his daughter, Abby, I wanted one so much more. So yes, you were planned. I thought he wanted you too but toward the end of our relationship, he decided otherwise. If you want any information about Abby or her mom, all you need to do is ask.

Please know that his decision has nothing to do with you. Being a parent is hard and he just wasn’t ready to grow up yet. He may never be but just remember that mommy loves you more than absolutely everything.

If you ever want to have anything to do with him, of course, I will help you do so and I won’t object. You will already know a little about him because his mom loves you very much and she will still be in your life.

I really hope he changes his mind before you are old enough to understand. And yes, before you ask, I do still love him. Not in the way you would assume though. I love him because he gave me the most amazing thing in the entire world…you.

I am both excited and terrified for the day you get here. I can’t wait for you to be here but I am afraid of being a horrible mother. I just want you to be happy and know that you are loved.

I’m sure I will have more letters to you by the time you are old enough to read these so, my little princess, this is where I’ll leave this one. I love you.

Love,
Mom

And so it begins

I have decided to start a blog…obviously. I’m not sure if anyone will read it or not but it’s not for other people.

This will just be a place for me to record my thoughts and rant about things. You may not like it but I really don’t care one way or the other.

So welcome into existence, my blog. I’ll be back soon. 🙂