I feel…

I feel like a terrible mother. I don’t know how to play with a three year old and tend to an infant at the same time. Someone always gets the most attention.

I feel like a terrible wife. I don’t keep the house clean all the time  I don’t cook every night. I don’t make you happy. I don’t meet your expectations or your needs.

I feel like a terrible person. I don’t go out of my way to help people. I don’t even like people in general, most of the time.

I feel like I try to hard to make you love me. I want you to love me like you did before we had kids. I want to talk and laugh together like we used to but I try to hard and push you away.

I feel like I don’t try hard enough. I don’t do or say the right thing. I make it seem like I am ungrateful for everything you do for us.

I feel like I lost myself. I love staying home with the girls but that is all I do. I don’t go do things by myself. I don’t go do things with y’all. I don’t know who I am outside of being their mommy.

I feel like I am doing a pretty good job in raising our children. They are so smart and beautiful and I am so proud to be their mommy.

I feel like I am a good wife on occasion. I love you with all of my heart and I try my best to do things to show that.

I feel like I am finding myself. I am a mother but I am also so much more. I am finding out how much I am capable of every single day and I have my family to thank for that.

I feel so much, all at one time. And sometimes it seems like it is to much to handle but I know I am strong enough to figure it out. I have my husband and daughters to help me if I stumble and I will always be thankful for them.

People’s feelings vs. My sanity

There was once a time that I would tell people exactly what I thought no matter what and I would tell them if I thought they were doing something stupid. I didn’t care if it hurt their feelings especially if it was something I felt strongly about.
Somewhere along the way I started keeping my mouth shut and letting people treat me like crap. I started running toward these people.
Now I know that neither one of these options is the best. I don’t want to go back to the me that hurt people’s feelings just because I could but I also don’t want to keep my mouth shut when I want to say something.
So I have come to the decision to stop letting other people’s feelings run my life. No, I’m not going to be awful just because I can but if you say something to me or about something I strongly disagree with then I will say something to you. Especially if it concerns my daughter.

Sometimes endings are for the best

There’s just a few things I want to get out before I put out all behind me. Just a few things I want to say.

First, I love my daughter more than anything in the world. So believe me when I say that I completely do not understand why you don’t. I have loved her so much since the second I knew about her existence so how could you take one look at her and not want to be in her life? How could you just not care? She is beautiful…how could you not see that? She is amazing….how could you not want to be a part of that? I just don’t understand.

Second, I feel sorry for you. She’s growing so fast and you are missing out on it. I feel sorry for you because you chose to miss out on the amazingness that is Emma Grace. I feel sorry for you because she is going to grow up and do so many amazing things and you won’t be there. When she laughs for the first time, takes her first steps, and speaks her first word you won’t be there. When she does something and looks for someone to be proud of her, it won’t be you. When she needs someone to laugh with, to cry with, to hold her…it won’t be you. She has a family that loves her so much and part of that family is people related to you. So yes, she will know who you are. When she is sad because the “man” that is supposed to be her dad isn’t around, there are so many people that will be there to comfort her and not one if them will be you. For all these reasons and more, I feel sorry for you.

The last thing I want you to know is that she is better off without you. She is better off without a person who only acts like he wants anything to do with her when it makes him look good. She is better off without a person who says things just because it’s what she wants to hear. She is better off without a person full of nothing but broken promises.

A letter to my daughter #2

Dear Emma,

Only three weeks at the most until you’re here. 🙂 I can’t wait. It seems like forever. Everyone is ready for you to be here. You are so loved already. It’s amazing.

It’s crazy to think about but most people go most of their lives looking for meaning or for love or their purpose here and I’ve already found all of those things in you. So if you ever get it into you’re stubborn little head that I don’t love you, just know that is the furthest thing from the truth. You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.

According to the ultrasound technicians, you are about 5 pounds and 7 ounces right now but my doctor says you’re probably only 5 pounds if even that. But you’re healthy and you are already so beautiful. I can’t wait to meet you. 🙂

I love you so much. Always remember that.

Love,
Mommy

To whom it may concern

To the person giving me nasty looks while I’m at work,
Yes, I am pregnant. No, I’m not sixteen. I mean look at me. I have tattoos and I work in a tattoo shop. I have a job, I have my own house, I pay for everything I can. So back off.

To the person who uses me as an “example” to warn their daughters:
First, look at your daughter. She’s fifteen and you not only let her out of your house in shorts barely long enough to cover her ass and a half shirt thing, but you also are telling her that this kind of behavior is acceptable. Now look at me. Yes, I’m a young mother but would you like to know what I was doing at her age? I was going to school and getting good grades so I could do something with my life. I wasn’t showing my body off to random strangers because I knew that I was better than that. You should hope for your daughter to turn out like me instead of the person you’re making her into.

To whom it may concern:

Yeah, I’m about to be a single mom but guess what….I WANTED my daughter long before I knew I was having her. I asked to get pregnant and she was planned. Do you really think I planned on the situation being what it is? I didn’t. Do you really think I wouldn’t change it in a heartbeat if I could? I would. But I will never take back or regret my decision to have her.

You can look at me and judge me all you want but none of it matters. My daughter has so many people that love her and even though I may be a single mom, I am not alone. We have so many wonderful people around us. Even some that don’t have to be here and I am so thankful for every single one of them.

So go ahead and say whatever you would like to say about me because in the end, I know where I stand and this is exactly where I want to be.

Being strong

Today a very good friend of mine told me that I was one of the strongest people she knew. This made me very happy because I’ve always wanted to inspire people and to help them keep their hopes up.

But it also made me kind of sad. If this person can think so much of me, how much am I hiding? Let me tell you something….a lot of the time, I don’t feel strong. A lot of the time, I have no idea what I’m doing, what I’m feeling, or where I’m going with my life.

Yes, I planned on having Emma. She was 100% on purpose. But the situation I’m having her in was definitely not planned and I am so incredibly terrified.

Raising a child is hard and no, I’m not doing it alone. I have so many great people around to help me. But at the same time, I am alone. Everything falls on me and don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I love my daughter more than anything and I look forward to raising her and being there for her. But like any mother, I am terrified.

There are many times when I just want to sit and cry. Not for me, but for her. I have the best relationship with my dad and it makes me so sad that Emma might not have that. Her father might come around but he might not. And I’m going to find someone that loves both myself and my daughter and he will be an amazing dad to her. But I just wish she could have that with HER dad.

I don’t really see how any of what I do makes me strong because I don’t feel strong a lot of the time. I worry for my daughter. I break down quite often over things I cannot control. I have weak moments when I wish people were back in my life.

So if worrying and breaking down and sometimes being weak makes me strong, then I guess that’s what I am. And I’m very glad that people can see me as a strong individual. I’m glad they can see the best in me.

Decisions

What do you do when you have no idea what to do? How do you make a choice when there is no right answer? How do you know if you’re making the right decision or a huge mistake?

These are a few of the questions circling my head tonight. And I have absolutely no answers. I mean I wanted this right? This is what I’ve been waiting for. But now that it’s happening, all I see are things that could go wrong.

Do I give you a chance to be there or do I stand by your original decision? You say you want to be here but I’ve heard it all before. Your words mean absolutely nothing to me but I feel like I have to try.

So what do I do? Where do I turn? What do I believe?

And why now? That’s one of my biggest concerns. Why, after three months of nothing, did you decide to change your mind now? I just don’t understand.

I can only think of three options though. I can let you back in and act like you never walked away from her, I can tell you that you had your chance and cut you off again, or I can do nothing and leave everything up to you.

All of these have potential for good or bad endings. But which is the best choice?

Parenthood

I just saw a post on Facebook that really irritated me and I just want to talk about it for a second.

This post was talking about mothers and fathers. It said that mothers need to take responsibility for their kids, which I agree with, but it also went on to say “as a women you made the choice to keep the baby so you need to take ALL the responsibility for what you did.” Along with this, it said that women shouldn’t make a big deal about the fathers not being in the kid’s life.

Excuse me but the father made the choice as well. The women didn’t conceive the baby on her own. It takes TWO! He also needs to take responsibility for his actions and grow up too. He should be a dad…not just a “father.” It should not all fall on the mother because the “father” just doesn’t want to be there.

And this goes the other way too. BOTH parents should be there for their child. BOTH made the decision to do what it takes to have a child so BOTH should be there.

When you get pregnant or get a women pregnant then it is time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. I don’t care if you “aren’t ready” or whatever your excuse is, it’s not about you anymore. Your child is what’s important. They didn’t ask to be here. YOU put them here.

If you are a single parent then that is wonderful. I applaud you because you stepped up and are doing your best to fill two positions in your child’s life. And I understand that a parent might not be able to be there for certain reasons. But if they just walk away…..A person should NEVER glorify this or say that not being there for your kid is okay.

Society’s sensitivity

Ok so I’ve been thinking about this topic for a few days and I just have to talk about it. So this might be all over the place because it’s really going to more of a rant.

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Why can’t people just say how they are feeling and what they are thinking without worrying about what other people think? Why do we have to censor everything just so we don’t hurt other people’s feelings?

Yes, I do usually say whatever I want even if it will hurt others feelings if they ask me a question, but even I will choose not to rant about things or choose not to say something to someone.

Why do we do this though? Why do we keep our thoughts to ourselves? Why can’t we just be who we are and rant about whatever we want? Why do we worry do much about doing things that will keep other people happy? Why?

We worry so much about what other people say, think and feel when really we should worry about what we do.

Valentine’s and other ridiculous days

This post will probably be all over the place so I apologize in advance. 🙂

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I’ve never really understood Valentine’s day. I mean it’s just another day to me. Why should it be more important than other days?

Society chooses these days when really there’s no point. If you truly care for someone then why only have one day out of the year to do something extra special. You should show that person that you care about them every single day. Every day should be Valentine’s day. But I’ll talk more about this in a second.

I you don’t have a significant other then who cares? Be your own Valentine because there should not be one person on this earth that loves you more than yourself. You are the only person in the world that has been there through absolutely everything, so do something special for yourself. Not just on Valentine’s day but any day you want to because you are amazing and you deserve it.

But back to the one day out of a year thing…

There are so many days like this. Birthdays, Valentine’s day, thanksgiving, etc. Why just celebrate a person’s life one day a year? Why just be extra thankful one day a year?

You could lose anyone at anytime so I think we should show people how much we love them every chance we get. Also we should be thankful for every single thing we have not just one day but everyday because you never know when you or someone you care about will be gone. So cherish them and stop building these “special days” up so much. Every day should special in some way.